she's important enough to risk losing me... she's friends now with the friend i trusted (that's you you sconde, you're friends with her on facebook now...ouch) it might be time for me to leave.
don't they make a cute couple?
i'm too furious to cry...i'm already in transition.
i'm not your priority. commenting on your friends profiles, flattering jessalyn (as if she needs it), these are your priorites. i opened up to you, told you i'm in pain, TOLD YOU I NEED YOU, and you only throw me a text at your leisure, like scraps to a dog. if you were hurting i wouldn't hesitate to be there, and if i couldn't be by your side i'd agonize over what i could do to make you smile, i wouldn't leave you alone EVER. i've been crying for days ALONE. where are when i need you? Your friend is far more sensitive than you but i can't even talk to him because you won't allow it...i can't be included in your circle...why? why are you with me???? why bother?! if you really loved me i wouldn't have to be in pain alone. i wouldn't feel like this. i'm a fool for openning up to you. i never let anyone in and i thought i was safe with you. you won't understand how much you've hurt me no matter what i say.
it's sad that i love you so much. it's obvious i mean very little to you. you used to say i was your everything...you'd miss me the second you left me... did that change? or was it never true?
i shouldn't be crying alone. i am sick and tired of being alone!!!!
i'm sick of getting shitted on. Mister "um um um"... according to laguardia airports website flight tracker your "delay" was about 5 minutes. the talking to your mom excuse is real real old. a text to tell me you're home and okay was all i wanted, you didn't have to talk to me if you didn't want to. and of course your new friends are girls...of course.
sometimes i wonder why you keep me around.
i know you'll be mad at me for ignoring your calls... but i already know you won't say anything i want to hear. you didn't miss me. my callous cassanova. you treat me like a toy, when i'm not fun you don't bother with me. and you're a collector, you like pretty new toys to play with.
i don't know what to do because i don't want to fight but i don't like eating your shit either.
i'm not bitter, just anxious...i knew the day i gave you my heart that you would break it, the only question is when...
...i'm not happy. i should be, but no dice. and i hate how i'm behaving but i can't seem to help it...i always pull back. pulling back til i'm out of reach and out of touch. gone gone gone. i want to fix it but there's a huge block in the way. i just don't want to feel like i'm doing everything by myself. it isn't fair...but then again...how much can i possible expect? but then again again, shouldn't i get what i want? i sure as hell deserve it. but then again again again...i've already gotten much more than i ever thought i would, for which i'm eternaly greatful. i'm wrong to assume values upon actions...it's best to only consider the things that are most clear. especially when i'm not always so clear. *growl* and as for the frustations most would think i'm refering to; it's not the sex i want...that's what the good lord (or maybe the devil, i dunno, the jury's still out on that one) invented masterbation for... i crave the itimacy. our intimate momments are few and far between. Hint: watching sportscenter together: not intimate...fuck A Rod and his fucking hip.
in truth...i am happy, overall. no worries there. the present circumstance is sucking big moose cock though. i'm trying real hard not to take it out on anyone... trying being the opperative word here.
i'm listening to incubus and craving a more creative life. a way out from under all this hum drum nothing that has become the every thing. out out out i need out. the warm happy center of the universe is alive and living his own life...what's gonna happen when his path passes mine? mine is looping around and around in a maddening cycle...monotony monotony monotony!!! can my talents really free me of it all? how can i cultivate them in such opressing surroundings and times? could you show me dear some i've not seen something infinitely interesting? your biggest fear will be the rescue of you, strange how it turns out that way...yeah. i'm reminissing, missing, kissing. rain, city steps, pigeon park, going waaaay back...don't want that, but then i believed these would be the best days, i had no idea how hard it'd be. or how easy. can't plan, can't count on things to happen the way you think they will so what to you do? my dried roses, beseech me to continue...they'd like to see how it ends. i wish i still believed in dragons, witchcraft and marriage. my mirrors just taunt me about all i've wasted up til now. my mother is the blaring red warning sign...dead end dead end dead end dead. i have to escape, i'm my own captor, tell me to outrun me. dance dance dance dance spin free.
i'm one of them now, officially. i'm a girl. a crazy girl. and emotional mess of a girl. who knew? i just learned something new about myself. god damn this vulnerability shit!
i'm not gonna talk about it. i apparently already fucked up there.
but as messy as i was...if he sticks with me after that, it says a lot. that's one thing my ex taught me, sometimes the most fucked up thing is exactly what you need to pull you closer together...of course he only said it cuz we'd fight all the fucking time but it doesn't make in any less true; getting through a really bad fight is possibly the most reassuring thing in a relationship. we're gonna be okay.
i'm sad it went down, but happy we made it.
but goddamnit he made a girl outta me!!! i used to be so cool!
i had so much stuff to write all day but couldn't get to a computer... now i'm tired and can't bring myself to think of it all. at present i'm very concerned...i'd tell you why but i promised myself i wouldn't think about it.
i wish i could solve all his problems and make him happy again. i miss the happy him.
i gotta stop being such a pussy, more on this later.
why does everyone like me better when i'm pissed off at the world? i seem to annoy people when i'm happy...
i'm living but i haven't felt alive in weeks. maybe longer.
side note i have a quick "hey you": i'm trying to let go of all the shit you did and how i feel about it. i know it's unfair for me to bring it up so much. i'm sorry, but it's hard when you're always holding back, it makes me scared...why do you hide things? in any case one of us has to change...and i thought about it, maybe you wouldn't hide things if they didn't bother me so much. maybe you're trying to spare my feelngs. quit holding back; i'm letting go. nothing is more important than the fact that we love each other. i forget sometimes.
cried myself to sleep... woke up crying from nightmares of him leaving me i told him i missed him last night, he said he didnt feel the same i'm crushed. i know i pissed him off but why is he making me suffer? i am completely, utterly, totally, madly, and hopelessly in love with him...he means absolutely everything to me, he sees that doesn't he? my heart hurts so much i can barely breathe. i feel like i'm dying, this is killing me. i feel so disconeccted from him, i really do miss him like crazy. i'm so afraid. i don't know what i would do if ... i really don't even want to think about it i don't ever want to be without him
it was a stupid stupid joke, girl-talk bullshit. it's not worth all this. it's not fair, i've forgiven him so many times for so many things with out putting him through any torture but he's just letting me sit here and wallow in my own hurt. i would never do this to him, i would sooner die than intentionaly cause him pain. why is he punishing me?
i can't stop crying. (i fucking hate crying) everything inside me is aching, i'm in so much pain. i just want to be in his arms, i just want to know we're okay.
i love Luis with all my heart and soul, if he can't see that; we're doomed anyway.
when one finds themselves in a quarrell with a loved one, it is wise that they come to and understanding and make up as soon as possible. reason being; there's only so many times and so many ways a single person can apologise for any one thing, and furthermore the venting of one's feelings should be kept at a consinderable level so as not to badger or offend the other party in question... because what happens is, while you sit there sulking in your own prideful anger and simmer in your negitive feelings the other person is left being rejected...over and over again. now you may think that the rejection they are experiencing is justifiable, after all they have angered or hurt you, why shouldn't they hurt too? but you see the problem with pushing someone away...is it works. if you can truly believe this person loves you, you must know that the mere thought of having hurt you is killing them. that they would rather slit their wrist and bleed to death than allow you to feel any pain. it is my philosophy to always accept a heartfelt apology, provided the purpose of the apology is well understood and thoroughly discussed by both parties, afterwhich some form of positive reinforcement should take place. this safeguards against any love lost, any further damage to the partnership and of course prevents hurting the other person in the process; as that should never be the goal. an eye for an eye makes everyone blind. what is most disconcerting is the fact that upon the repeated (very much repeated) occassion in which i was offended party, i was kind and understanding, i treated each time as what it was; an emotional matter - to be handled delicately... and a misunderstanding to be handled maturely so as to come back together on the same page and bring us closer on an intellectual level, to find that i am not being received in the same maner the one time i am in the wrong is disturbing...and trials my patience. might i also comment that when someone finds something through dishonest means like, oh i don't know, "accidently" looking through your text messages, what they find is their burden to bear; as a penalty of distrust and the violation of privacy. (god knows i don't go looking for all the things i don't want to find, but i'm sure are there) regardless of the petty circumstantial details...i should not be left to fester in the wake of his anger. this ordeal has left me feeling insecure and very unsure of things that i was only just recently becoming comfortable with. i am now forced to recoil emotionally. it is all quite unfortunant.
heartache is as always a temporary pain, for one reason or another. in this case he made good. i was only part surprised; deep down, the part of me that is and has always been in love with him knew he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. (the rest of me, well let's not discuss it)
his bday is coming. my plans are basicly cemented. have you seen that episode of family guy, the one when the drunken clam gets taken over by some british dude and he burns it down and blames it on a giant radioactive cockroach and the roach rubs his hands and says "goooood, goooood". ? well...that's me right now. all i gotta do is not get my period and we could go ahead and throw in a mr. burnsesque "eeeeexcellent"
i never start to new year without crying. don't ask why. last year my boyfriend at the time broke up with me that day. new years eve we fought (at our mutual place of business) spent the night together in spite of it, fucked, and woke up early...then we broke up. deja vu. i'm so scared. i want to believe that since we're really in love, i think "we" are -- i know I am, we'll get through whatever this is.
i don't feel so sure.
i don't think he's where he wants to be. i think he wants to want to be with me but...
SUMMARY:
a young woman predisposed to over-anylize. drives her a bit crazy but then, we're all mad here.
CONDITION:
afflicted with an oversized heart and a severe case of the crazies
HANDELING INSTRUCTIONS:
approach with caution, do not leave unattended, avoid sharp objects, DO NOT PROVOKE. to neutralize; flatter extensively until rendered calm.
DANGEROUS?:
you bet your ass
MARITAL STATUS:
hopelessly in love, jeez can't you read?
DATE OF ADMITTENCE:
8/1/08
DATE OF RELEASE:
N/A
