Thursday, January 29, 2009

just realized

i forgot to dig.

one of them

i'm one of them now, officially. i'm a girl. a crazy girl. and emotional mess of a girl. who knew? i just learned something new about myself.
god damn this vulnerability shit!

i'm not gonna talk about it. i apparently already fucked up there.

but as messy as i was...if he sticks with me after that, it says a lot.
that's one thing my ex taught me, sometimes the most fucked up thing is exactly what you need to pull you closer together...of course he only said it cuz we'd fight all the fucking time but it doesn't make in any less true; getting through a really bad fight is possibly the most reassuring thing in a relationship.
we're gonna be okay.

i'm sad it went down, but happy we made it.

but goddamnit he made a girl outta me!!! i used to be so cool!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

don't know where to begin

i had so much stuff to write all day but couldn't get to a computer...
now i'm tired and can't bring myself to think of it all.
at present i'm very concerned...i'd tell you why but i promised myself i wouldn't think about it.

i wish i could solve all his problems and make him happy again. i miss the happy him.

i gotta stop being such a pussy, more on this later.

why does everyone like me better when i'm pissed off at the world? i seem to annoy people when i'm happy...

i'm living but i haven't felt alive in weeks. maybe longer.

side note i have a quick "hey you":
i'm trying to let go of all the shit you did and how i feel about it. i know it's unfair for me to bring it up so much. i'm sorry, but it's hard when you're always holding back, it makes me scared...why do you hide things? in any case one of us has to change...and i thought about it, maybe you wouldn't hide things if they didn't bother me so much. maybe you're trying to spare my feelngs. quit holding back; i'm letting go. nothing is more important than the fact that we love each other. i forget sometimes.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


Who Should Paint You: Salvador Dali
You're a complex, intense creature who displays many layers.
There's no way a traditional portrait could ever capture you!

Friday, January 16, 2009

hey you

when i say i miss you i don't mean i miss seeing your face...that's what pictures are for...i miss you. the you only i get to see. where'd he go?

feel so low, just bury me alive...

cried myself to sleep...
woke up crying
from nightmares of him leaving me
i told him i missed him last night, he said he didnt feel the same
i'm crushed.
i know i pissed him off but why is he making me suffer? i am completely, utterly, totally, madly, and hopelessly in love with him...he means absolutely everything to me, he sees that doesn't he?
my heart hurts so much i can barely breathe. i feel like i'm dying, this is killing me.
i feel so disconeccted from him, i really do miss him like crazy.
i'm so afraid. i don't know what i would do if ...
i really don't even want to think about it
i don't ever want to be without him

it was a stupid stupid joke, girl-talk bullshit. it's not worth all this.
it's not fair, i've forgiven him so many times for so many things with out putting him through any torture but he's just letting me sit here and wallow in my own hurt. i would never do this to him, i would sooner die than intentionaly cause him pain. why is he punishing me?

i can't stop crying.
(i fucking hate crying)
everything inside me is aching, i'm in so much pain.
i just want to be in his arms, i just want to know we're okay.

i love Luis with all my heart and soul, if he can't see that; we're doomed anyway.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

um...muse please?

i wanna write some goddamn poetry. i feel fuckin poetic right now.

just thought i'd share that.

what a pity.

when one finds themselves in a quarrell with a loved one, it is wise that they come to and understanding and make up as soon as possible. reason being; there's only so many times and so many ways a single person can apologise for any one thing, and furthermore the venting of one's feelings should be kept at a consinderable level so as not to badger or offend the other party in question... because what happens is, while you sit there sulking in your own prideful anger and simmer in your negitive feelings the other person is left being rejected...over and over again. now you may think that the rejection they are experiencing is justifiable, after all they have angered or hurt you, why shouldn't they hurt too? but you see the problem with pushing someone it works. if you can truly believe this person loves you, you must know that the mere thought of having hurt you is killing them. that they would rather slit their wrist and bleed to death than allow you to feel any pain. it is my philosophy to always accept a heartfelt apology, provided the purpose of the apology is well understood and thoroughly discussed by both parties, afterwhich some form of positive reinforcement should take place. this safeguards against any love lost, any further damage to the partnership and of course prevents hurting the other person in the process; as that should never be the goal. an eye for an eye makes everyone blind. what is most disconcerting is the fact that upon the repeated (very much repeated) occassion in which i was offended party, i was kind and understanding, i treated each time as what it was; an emotional matter - to be handled delicately... and a misunderstanding to be handled maturely so as to come back together on the same page and bring us closer on an intellectual level, to find that i am not being received in the same maner the one time i am in the wrong is disturbing...and trials my patience. might i also comment that when someone finds something through dishonest means like, oh i don't know, "accidently" looking through your text messages, what they find is their burden to bear; as a penalty of distrust and the violation of privacy. (god knows i don't go looking for all the things i don't want to find, but i'm sure are there) regardless of the petty circumstantial details...i should not be left to fester in the wake of his anger. this ordeal has left me feeling insecure and very unsure of things that i was only just recently becoming comfortable with. i am now forced to recoil emotionally. it is all quite unfortunant.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

fuck you Lumidee

i'm like the wind see?
You Are Wind
Strong and overpowering
A force to be reckoned with, no one dares cross you
You have the power to change everything around you

You are best known for: your wrath

Your dominant state: commanding

so i take it you're bored up there

his 21st bday is tuesday;
i got my period,
he lost his ID,
the rink i purposely got a hotel near to take him ice skating for the first time in his life is made of plastic.
God obviously was desperately in need of entertainment
my curse is that i'm a never ending source of hilarity.
lol god, lol.

Friday, January 9, 2009

gooood, goooood.

for the record...all is well.

heartache is as always a temporary pain, for one reason or another. in this case he made good. i was only part surprised; deep down, the part of me that is and has always been in love with him knew he wouldn't hurt me on purpose. (the rest of me, well let's not discuss it)

his bday is coming. my plans are basicly cemented.
have you seen that episode of family guy, the one when the drunken clam gets taken over by some british dude and he burns it down and blames it on a giant radioactive cockroach and the roach rubs his hands and says "goooood, goooood". ? well...that's me right now. all i gotta do is not get my period and we could go ahead and throw in a mr. burnsesque "eeeeexcellent"

Thursday, January 1, 2009

off to a fucked up start

i never start to new year without crying.
don't ask why.
last year my boyfriend at the time broke up with me that day. new years eve we fought (at our mutual place of business) spent the night together in spite of it, fucked, and woke up early...then we broke up.
deja vu.
i'm so scared. i want to believe that since we're really in love, i think "we" are -- i know I am, we'll get through whatever this is.

i don't feel so sure.

i don't think he's where he wants to be. i think he wants to want to be with me but...

my heart hurts.