POR FIN

he said it.
thanksgiving night.
i could go on to tell you the details but those are for him and i to savor in the privacy of our own euphoric love ramblings.
i'm so fucking happy. i was happy before, happy just to have him, but it's just so fufilling to know im not alone anymore. he loves me! i am loved.
i am loved.
i am loved.
i am loved.

how i feel; better said:

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way."- Pablo Neruda

"lovers don't finally meet somewhere. they're in each other all along." -Rumi

chamomile contemplation

...
a friend of mine just told me that at first meeting i come off arrogant, she thinks thats why i havent been hired. well fuck that right in the ear.

i'm bored. and according to a song called flagpole sitta, if i am bored...it's cuz i'm boring. well that may be so harvey danger, but i'm only boring cuz i'm broke ya judgemental fatty!!!

i need my own apartment...for lotsa reasons, but most recently because i crave movie night. many rentals, lotsa snackage, order pizza so i don't haveta clean, me and my boo under a cozy comforter on the couch...that so wont work...we wouldnt be able to keep our paws off each other past the previews. i think that's why couples go to the theater so much, it's the only way to guarentee you'll watch the movie. if i had friend who weren't flaketastic i'd have a big movie pajama party situation, but my friends suck balls...well thats a little unfair to say...some of my friends are girls and therefore must suck balls among other genetelia, i appologize. still need my own place tho.

i never seem to make enough tea. dammit. also, i want donuts! (yes you did need to know that smartass, if you didn't want to know what was going on in my head you wouldn't be reading this!)

i'm looking foreward to taking my bf to see the holiday lights at the bronx zoo. i havent mentioned it to him and hopefully he wont ruin the surprise...and upon writing this i realize i really focus most of my attention onto him. normally i'd say that's unhealthy but in this case i think it works out fine because it's fair, he makes it easy for me cuz he's so attentive to me, i actually want to do this, i don't need to. when you find yourself doing and planning for someone, not out of a need for recognition or an attempt to foster reciprocity, but out of genuine enjoyment of that person's company and a burning desire to make them smile i think it's a good and healthy thing to spend so much time and effort, because it's deserved.

and now i'm officially out of tea.
i'd make more but i'm out of honey...i DO NOT drink tea without honey.
betta reco'nize foo'!

and since you asked what i was wearing (yes you did, don't you argue with me) a black wwe shirt that had a cartoon of Lita (my former hero) on it and fluffy bunny ears....i wear them when i'm alone. (don't you judge me...i know all about you...yeah i bet you thought that was a secret but nope i know all about it judge judy so zip it! )

oh good lord i'm bored.
...

i rock.

sooooooooooo.... things are looking good.
i might have a job...soon
cross your fingers
i SAID cross 'em damnit! NOW!
thank you.
my friends suck. they only pay me attention when they need me. that's fine, there's enough of my ass for all of them to kiss.
mtv has been neglectful...i have mixed feelings about that.
i'm a rusty bellydancer. i need to get my shimmy on hardcore.

all is seemingly well with my beloved

i realized that i get more frustrated with his actions (which are largely more naive than malicious) when i miss him, sounds retarded i know, but i'm better equiped to deal with anger than sadness...of course upon realizing this i pushed my pride aside and just let myself feel it...i cried...what can i say? i got used to having him around all the time, then poof! gone for a week? i was breaking down by the 6th day. no good. i don't get like this!!! and all these feelings i'm not used to are making me terribly unsure of myself. but aside from my emotional retardation i'm extremely happy!!!! :.)

all in all, all is well.

yay me.

stuck

i am currently bedeviled by a severe lack of funds...
i feel like a fucking loser!!!!
i get no responses from and jobs, i'm broke broke broke, and really have nothing interesting going on. this sucks!!!! i think i'm annoying my boyfreind with my sudden and uncharacteristic neediness and insecurity but i can't help it, i feel so useless. i'm trying so hard to be positive... i don't want to be a downer or a burden but this shit really sucks right now.