you all suck

all you bastards who were like "tell him" you all fucked me over royaly.
how the fuck does telling him make sense anyway???
now i'm out in the open looking all sorts of crazy.
and he doesn't feel the same.
ouch.
this really hurts.
i mean he was a sweet as anyone can possibly be about this sort of thing, but it's weird now. i feel like a float in the pity parade. as wonderful as he is how am i supposed to know if he's being nice cuz he cares about me or just cuz it's the right thing to do? now i can never be sure. i fucked myself!
and fucking mtv is all in my shit....they got all this footage of me admitting my feelings, i can't let that shit air...i don't want this anymore!!!
and what am i supposed to do when the one who always makes me feel better is the one i'm all fucked up over? it's not fair for me to put this on him but i need him right now...
you should have seen his face when i said it.
it's his fault though, i didn't want to tell him but he was so upset with me for days over telling him what's on my mind i kept trying to explain that it was nothing to worry about but he wouldn't drop it, then we're alone in a car and he turns off the music and he looked to upset with me, what was i supposed to do?!!!
i think i just doomed my relationship.
and i can tell myself that isn't true, that whatever is meant to be will be no matter how bad i fuck up, but i fucked up pretty bad.
i don't want to see him at work.
or for a few days.
i knew he wasn't ready...as if the naked pictures of that bitch on his phone weren't enough of a red flag. i still don't think he let her go. god i wish she'd disappear!! to think I have to threatened by that pathetic excuse for a woman. she's disgusting!!!!
i'm such an idiot.
i feel so stupid.
i can't believe i just threw it all away.
(jeez why didn't i just go with my first plan and say when i was drunk??!)

i love you

the words are absurd!!! the phrase is so understated!!! i love you, yeah i do...but it just sounds so corny, such a waste of english!!! i more than "love" you...and if i could just figure out how to say it i would! and i know you're mad at me now cuz i'm being so weird but it's killing me that i can't tell you. i so afraid.
i love you too much to tell you i love you...does that make any sense?
i'm losing my mind!!!!!!!!!









i love you Luis

"reality" show

this is getting extreme.
i don't know if i want my relationship or my feelings exposed like this. but it's very much a super-chicken situation. (go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Chicken to find out what i'm talking about) and now i'm feeling more pressure to tell him what i feel cuz god forbid this shit airs befor i tell him!!! i don't know how they'll edit my words...and how retarded is it for him to see that i love him on tv instead of hearing it from my big fat mouth!
jesus christ! this was supposed to be a springboard for my bellydancing not a total exploitation of my relationship!!!
meanwhile...is he trying to say it???
he took me aside to tell me he really liked me. really liked me. ummmm....i reeeeeally thought i was gonna hear more than that. i want to say i love you already!!! this is making me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck it i don't want to wait anymore!!!!!!!
I LOVE HIM!!!DAMMIT!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!!!!!!
and of course of course of course my ex-boyfriend has to call me at 4am talking about "i just want to say goodbye" you know what, i'm sick and tired of being nice to him, i tried to make it an amicable break up. tried my damndest to spare his feelings despite the fact that he NEVER once considered mine. i tried to make it easy for his stupid ass but he wants me to hurt him. he wants me to be the bad guy. but i'm not like him. i won't ever perpetuate negitivity in any form. i was instead totally indiferent, if that doesn't do it i'm on to the restraining order. which i might do anyway honestly. god i just want to be done with that part of my life.
i want to grab my man, tell him i love him, and move on up to the next plateu of this happiness i'm experiencing.
i'm terrified of making the wrong move but, if i don't tell him something soon this could all go up in flames anyway.
i don't want to rush but is it even rushing if i'm dying to say it? i feel it, that's not changing, it's real, really real. i don't even need him to say it or feel it at this point i just can't hold it in anymore. i mean duh i want him to love me back but if he didn't, doesn't, or never will it wouldn't make a difference....i love him. that's it. game over man. i surrender!!!
but i'm still scared of losing him.
i don't want to fuck this up.

arf

You Are an American Bulldog

You are a very imposing, powerful creature... but deep down, you're generally good natured. You are incredibly energetic, and you like to blow off steam with sports and horsing around. You are naturally courageous. You would run into a burning building to save someone you loved. You intimidate people without trying to. Some people assume the worst of you when they first meet you.

OMG part 3

i was filmed today.
i will be filmed tomorrow.
and possibly monday.
yay
yay
yay
and the guy that's filming me is so cool it's like a bonus just being able to hang out with him. this is so much fun!!! i hope all goes well tomorrow, i got no practice time in today whatsoever. oh lord. can't wait.

OMG part 2

sooooo MTV guy called me again today.
i have to call tomorrow to confirm when he can film me.
finally my awesomeness is recognized.

niether my bf or my familia seem particularly thrilled but this is a huge opportunity for me if i play my cards right. i'll make it up to them.

quick observation

um, how obsessed am i?
my facebook pic, he's in it
my myspace pic, he's in it
and my blog pic, the comic book representation of he and i....
jeebus woman! get a hold of yourself!!!

mental bulimia

prepare yourself for the random purging of my thoughts. a little brain vomiting always helps me get by...
okay so i finally selected my music for my show on sunday...two days away...talk about last minute and i barely practiced...im also beging the lady in charge to let me use my new cane...if she says no i'm flying solo with just my viel and my goddamned zills that i suck at...but strangely i'm niether nervous or confidant, just feeling kamikaze balls to wall about it...of coure that's usually how i end up doing things, i never take action til i'm at that "fuck it" stage...
i some how managed to hurt his feelings last night....nothing major i don't think...makes me feel horrible tho, i don't ever want to make him anthing but happy, but seriously if someone you like (in this case love madly... truely deeply oh yeah savage garden status bitchez! lol) finds your book filled with their name with little hearts around it you'd be embarrassed too! he's upset i said i was embarrassed...well i hate that i upset him but on the other hand the twisted little psychologist in me is quite pleased...i mean he's gotta care a whole lot to be bothered by that...a mutual friend of ours said he'll be saying the L-word soon...i think she's wrong but whatever...i sure as hell aint saying it. i REFUSE to be first!!!!
also...me blonde? i was workin it yesterday. i rocked it yo. hmmmm....
i'm very worried about my little sister. very worried. she's at a scary age and i just hope the family curse doesn't live on...course that's another year away but...
i'm almost 23...and i still live with my mother. i feel like such a failure sometimes. i should've had a degree by now... i should've had an apartment...i'm lacking in both departments. something's gotta give.
i know i've mentioned it before, but, i love that boy. i love him i love him i love him!!! i'm so fucking happy!
also...i dont want to go to work...like....ever again... i need to get on that certification idea. have a real job. i'm so done with waitressing.
and i should probably call my best friend and make nice with him...but i can't help it...it's not that i intend to hold a grudge but i was really hurt by how shit went down and i still feel very bitter about it all.
why am i looking forward to my birthday? probably just cuz my favorite's bday was yesterday so now i'm jealous ;.) i want my own!!!
there's a really big hole in my work pants. and i don't give a flying rats ass. fuck iiiiit!
sigh.
i'm done now.

hatin on mah pimp cane

my wednsday night dance teacher hates my guts. i have concluded this because it seems she constatly tries to discourage me. well fuck her ass. if i ask her a question in class she acts as if i'm a nunsance and when i ask her opinion on something she's always negative. i can't even pay the bitch a compliment without her shooting me down... i assume it is my flyness that vexes her so. for i am indeed quite fly.
i got a new prop. i bought the cane, a green and silver one. i'm pretty damn good with it. i can balence it on my head and everything. she says i can't use it. she can blow it out her ass.
i mean i did crack myself in the face with it once when i was practicing but i've been good ever since... bleeding lip aside i'd say i'm a success story here.

F Y I

i'm so not ready for my show on sunday. i work well under pressure though. i think i'm gonna try a cane dance. and to think someone told me i wasn't ambitious...

O M G

i might be on MTV.
more on this later.

please god no more tacky men's suits!!!

i just spent all day shopping for my hunny's costume. it was torture. i was in pinstriped hell. nothing purple, but god help me they had every other color known to man!!! oh there was one purple suit, barney purple and you, me, him...and the entire ny giants defensive lineup could fit in it!! bleh. i shall try not to consider this day a failure despite accomplishing nothing.

ummm...ew

enough of this lovey dovey shit, i'm grossing myself out. honestly Harl, where'd your balls go? you know i was talking to a co-worker last night about this, told him i was afraid i was going soft, he laughed and said i was never hard in the first place! how rude!!! i am sooooo hard. i'm tough as nails baby!!! grrrr. never question my badassness. or my badassity. or is it badassitude? whatever it is i gots it!!! >:.P

the devil take this contemptable epidermis

i have a freaking hive on my arm. i can only imagine it is a result of the impromptu sobbing over dinner the other night. embarrassment does tend to hive me up. otherwise my situation is stable. i've seen and heard some good things, comforting things, but i'm still basicly terrified. what's scary is not the idea of him not feeling the same, one doesn't love to be loved as it should not be a choice they can make, also; unrequited love makes for some damn good poetry; what's scaring me...scaring me shitless...is how i'm feeling. i can honestly say i've never felt this way before. i mean i've said that i loved some one but to actually feel it is different entirely. i realize what i felt before was just familiarity. i called it love cuz i didn't know what else to call it...it just seemed like it should be so. and i wanted to be in love. i tried my best...but it never felt right. there was always something missing and i began to believe that was all there was to it. no whirlwind romance like you see in the movies. needless to say i'm a thoroughly cynical woman. it's similar to my first experience with sex. i remember laying there thinking "so this is what all the fuss is about? eh. i can do without it" (imagine!). in this case though, i really really DIDN'T want to fall...i didn't want anything serious, and i never thought it would last even a month or even past that first night! now look at me!! and that's how i know it's real, cuz being in love was the absolute last thing i wanted to do. i can't control it. i didn't decide it. and that's what scares me. it's not an act this time. this is real. too real. toooo too real.
i want to be with him all the time. i miss him as soon as he leaves. i can think of not a single moment he's not on my mind. i even dream about him for christ's sakes!! i'm in too deep!!! me no likey!!!! meeeee noooooo liiikeeeeeeey!!!!!
i was asked a really good question about all this, in an attempt to test the validity of my feelings. if everyone in your life that you were ever comfortable with, friends and family, were gone would you be okay with only him?
that is quite a question.
i won't share my answer. but perhaps it's a good question to ask yourself.

some more on this baked potato business

so what if i'm a baked potato?! have you ever had one? they're delicious!!! screw you!!!

there's worse foods i can be...can't think of any right now....but so help me when i do you will hear it!

i should be on the phone now, being a girlfriend.

so, as promised...this is why i'm a moron:
i'm being a little pussy bitch about all this...
i'm sitting here writing a blog instead of reaching deep down in front and locating my testicles (figaritvely of course) and calling my beloved and letting him know what's what. i'm talking to everyone but him...if he were doing this to me...i'd call him a moron, thus: I AM A MORON.

i've gone real soft man, Reeeeeeeal soft.

baked potato indeed.

hopefully there's still time to repair the damage of 5 days of pussitude.

dammit some more

i'm a moron...

more on this later.

dammit

i'm desperately trying to convince myself i haven't fallen ..., or that i'm even in the process of falling. my survival instinct is begging me to say it aint so. but i am sure my behavior will betray me everytime. it already has.

Hey You

i'm SORRY! i hate it when i tell you something i'm unhappy with, despite it being a neccessary part of the growing process in a relationship, cuz you get all sad everytime. i wonder if i'm not praising you enough. is that why you look at every little snafu as a failure?
well listen here ya big genius, YOU'RE WONDERFUL!!!! you just gotta learn some things (okay, lots of things) but you really are quite wonderful otherwise. please forgive me if i haven't made that clear enough.

okay about this potato business

A baked potato, also known as a jacket potato, is the edible result of baking a potato. When well cooked a baked potato has a fluffy interior, but a crispy skin

i got that from wikipedia...yes i researched this.

i was told im acting like a baked potato.

i am fluffy? is that what this is about?! or is it my crispy outter shell that tis to blame?!

or is it that i'm allowing my warm fluffy softness burst forth from my otherwise hard and crispy shell?!!!! that would be a problem wouldn't it?

News Flash!

I'm a baked potato. details on this later.

hey you

if i'm hyper-aware and hyper-sensitve, try to understand; it's because i actually care.

i'm not used to doing that.

i'm not used to being happy either...i expect emotional armaggedon any day now.

if it's good enough for myspace...

i might as well post it here...
well just the important part, the question of the year:
{with reguard to allowing oneself to "fall"}
is it so bad that i just want to make sure he'll be down there already, waiting to catch me?
everyone i ask is telling me to jump...how do i know they're not homicidal maniacs?!
assisted suicide is still a murder case!!!

does it mean something that i'm so scared? is it a bad thing? doesn't it just mean that i revere him with such importance that i dare not take the risk?
...or am i just a chicken shit?

it shouldn't be up to me. it isn't fair. i'm the girl for crying out loud!!!
as far as i'm concerned i'm meeting him halfway... if he can't figure out how i feel from the way i've treated him thus far no amount of words will get through to him, it wouldn't be worth it.
you have to admit; i have a point there.
i want to be caught dammit.

BEHOLD: the inaugural blog

this was not my idea...i stole it...i am a commiter of intellectual piracy. i saw someone else's blogspot page and thought "hey cool, i want one of those" and thus i type this, a copy cat... MEOW.
i'm just so over the myspace blogs. i can't be as honest anymore. i yearn for the freedom of confession, i want to be cleansed.
of course i don't totally trust this outlet just yet...we shall see.
there's so much to say
i'm left speachless