mental bulimia

prepare yourself for the random purging of my thoughts. a little brain vomiting always helps me get by...
okay so i finally selected my music for my show on sunday...two days away...talk about last minute and i barely practiced...im also beging the lady in charge to let me use my new cane...if she says no i'm flying solo with just my viel and my goddamned zills that i suck at...but strangely i'm niether nervous or confidant, just feeling kamikaze balls to wall about it...of coure that's usually how i end up doing things, i never take action til i'm at that "fuck it" stage...
i some how managed to hurt his feelings last night....nothing major i don't think...makes me feel horrible tho, i don't ever want to make him anthing but happy, but seriously if someone you like (in this case love madly... truely deeply oh yeah savage garden status bitchez! lol) finds your book filled with their name with little hearts around it you'd be embarrassed too! he's upset i said i was embarrassed...well i hate that i upset him but on the other hand the twisted little psychologist in me is quite pleased...i mean he's gotta care a whole lot to be bothered by that...a mutual friend of ours said he'll be saying the L-word soon...i think she's wrong but whatever...i sure as hell aint saying it. i REFUSE to be first!!!!
also...me blonde? i was workin it yesterday. i rocked it yo. hmmmm....
i'm very worried about my little sister. very worried. she's at a scary age and i just hope the family curse doesn't live on...course that's another year away but...
i'm almost 23...and i still live with my mother. i feel like such a failure sometimes. i should've had a degree by now... i should've had an apartment...i'm lacking in both departments. something's gotta give.
i know i've mentioned it before, but, i love that boy. i love him i love him i love him!!! i'm so fucking happy!
also...i dont want to go to work...like....ever again... i need to get on that certification idea. have a real job. i'm so done with waitressing.
and i should probably call my best friend and make nice with him...but i can't help it...it's not that i intend to hold a grudge but i was really hurt by how shit went down and i still feel very bitter about it all.
why am i looking forward to my birthday? probably just cuz my favorite's bday was yesterday so now i'm jealous ;.) i want my own!!!
there's a really big hole in my work pants. and i don't give a flying rats ass. fuck iiiiit!
sigh.
i'm done now.