Tuesday, October 21, 2008

"reality" show

this is getting extreme.
i don't know if i want my relationship or my feelings exposed like this. but it's very much a super-chicken situation. (go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Chicken to find out what i'm talking about) and now i'm feeling more pressure to tell him what i feel cuz god forbid this shit airs befor i tell him!!! i don't know how they'll edit my words...and how retarded is it for him to see that i love him on tv instead of hearing it from my big fat mouth!
jesus christ! this was supposed to be a springboard for my bellydancing not a total exploitation of my relationship!!!
meanwhile...is he trying to say it???
he took me aside to tell me he really liked me. really liked me. ummmm....i reeeeeally thought i was gonna hear more than that. i want to say i love you already!!! this is making me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck it i don't want to wait anymore!!!!!!!
and of course of course of course my ex-boyfriend has to call me at 4am talking about "i just want to say goodbye" you know what, i'm sick and tired of being nice to him, i tried to make it an amicable break up. tried my damndest to spare his feelings despite the fact that he NEVER once considered mine. i tried to make it easy for his stupid ass but he wants me to hurt him. he wants me to be the bad guy. but i'm not like him. i won't ever perpetuate negitivity in any form. i was instead totally indiferent, if that doesn't do it i'm on to the restraining order. which i might do anyway honestly. god i just want to be done with that part of my life.
i want to grab my man, tell him i love him, and move on up to the next plateu of this happiness i'm experiencing.
i'm terrified of making the wrong move but, if i don't tell him something soon this could all go up in flames anyway.
i don't want to rush but is it even rushing if i'm dying to say it? i feel it, that's not changing, it's real, really real. i don't even need him to say it or feel it at this point i just can't hold it in anymore. i mean duh i want him to love me back but if he didn't, doesn't, or never will it wouldn't make a difference....i love him. that's it. game over man. i surrender!!!
but i'm still scared of losing him.
i don't want to fuck this up.

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