Tuesday, October 14, 2008

the devil take this contemptable epidermis

i have a freaking hive on my arm. i can only imagine it is a result of the impromptu sobbing over dinner the other night. embarrassment does tend to hive me up. otherwise my situation is stable. i've seen and heard some good things, comforting things, but i'm still basicly terrified. what's scary is not the idea of him not feeling the same, one doesn't love to be loved as it should not be a choice they can make, also; unrequited love makes for some damn good poetry; what's scaring me...scaring me shitless...is how i'm feeling. i can honestly say i've never felt this way before. i mean i've said that i loved some one but to actually feel it is different entirely. i realize what i felt before was just familiarity. i called it love cuz i didn't know what else to call it...it just seemed like it should be so. and i wanted to be in love. i tried my best...but it never felt right. there was always something missing and i began to believe that was all there was to it. no whirlwind romance like you see in the movies. needless to say i'm a thoroughly cynical woman. it's similar to my first experience with sex. i remember laying there thinking "so this is what all the fuss is about? eh. i can do without it" (imagine!). in this case though, i really really DIDN'T want to fall...i didn't want anything serious, and i never thought it would last even a month or even past that first night! now look at me!! and that's how i know it's real, cuz being in love was the absolute last thing i wanted to do. i can't control it. i didn't decide it. and that's what scares me. it's not an act this time. this is real. too real. toooo too real.
i want to be with him all the time. i miss him as soon as he leaves. i can think of not a single moment he's not on my mind. i even dream about him for christ's sakes!! i'm in too deep!!! me no likey!!!! meeeee noooooo liiikeeeeeeey!!!!!
i was asked a really good question about all this, in an attempt to test the validity of my feelings. if everyone in your life that you were ever comfortable with, friends and family, were gone would you be okay with only him?
that is quite a question.
i won't share my answer. but perhaps it's a good question to ask yourself.

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