you all suck

all you bastards who were like "tell him" you all fucked me over royaly.
how the fuck does telling him make sense anyway???
now i'm out in the open looking all sorts of crazy.
and he doesn't feel the same.
ouch.
this really hurts.
i mean he was a sweet as anyone can possibly be about this sort of thing, but it's weird now. i feel like a float in the pity parade. as wonderful as he is how am i supposed to know if he's being nice cuz he cares about me or just cuz it's the right thing to do? now i can never be sure. i fucked myself!
and fucking mtv is all in my shit....they got all this footage of me admitting my feelings, i can't let that shit air...i don't want this anymore!!!
and what am i supposed to do when the one who always makes me feel better is the one i'm all fucked up over? it's not fair for me to put this on him but i need him right now...
you should have seen his face when i said it.
it's his fault though, i didn't want to tell him but he was so upset with me for days over telling him what's on my mind i kept trying to explain that it was nothing to worry about but he wouldn't drop it, then we're alone in a car and he turns off the music and he looked to upset with me, what was i supposed to do?!!!
i think i just doomed my relationship.
and i can tell myself that isn't true, that whatever is meant to be will be no matter how bad i fuck up, but i fucked up pretty bad.
i don't want to see him at work.
or for a few days.
i knew he wasn't ready...as if the naked pictures of that bitch on his phone weren't enough of a red flag. i still don't think he let her go. god i wish she'd disappear!! to think I have to threatened by that pathetic excuse for a woman. she's disgusting!!!!
i'm such an idiot.
i feel so stupid.
i can't believe i just threw it all away.
(jeez why didn't i just go with my first plan and say when i was drunk??!)

i love you

the words are absurd!!! the phrase is so understated!!! i love you, yeah i do...but it just sounds so corny, such a waste of english!!! i more than "love" you...and if i could just figure out how to say it i would! and i know you're mad at me now cuz i'm being so weird but it's killing me that i can't tell you. i so afraid.
i love you too much to tell you i love you...does that make any sense?
i'm losing my mind!!!!!!!!!









i love you Luis

"reality" show

this is getting extreme.
i don't know if i want my relationship or my feelings exposed like this. but it's very much a super-chicken situation. (go here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Super_Chicken to find out what i'm talking about) and now i'm feeling more pressure to tell him what i feel cuz god forbid this shit airs befor i tell him!!! i don't know how they'll edit my words...and how retarded is it for him to see that i love him on tv instead of hearing it from my big fat mouth!
jesus christ! this was supposed to be a springboard for my bellydancing not a total exploitation of my relationship!!!
meanwhile...is he trying to say it???
he took me aside to tell me he really liked me. really liked me. ummmm....i reeeeeally thought i was gonna hear more than that. i want to say i love you already!!! this is making me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!
fuck it i don't want to wait anymore!!!!!!!
I LOVE HIM!!!DAMMIT!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS!!!!!!!
and of course of course of course my ex-boyfriend has to call me at 4am talking about "i just want to say goodbye" you know what, i'm sick and tired of being nice to him, i tried to make it an amicable break up. tried my damndest to spare his feelings despite the fact that he NEVER once considered mine. i tried to make it easy for his stupid ass but he wants me to hurt him. he wants me to be the bad guy. but i'm not like him. i won't ever perpetuate negitivity in any form. i was instead totally indiferent, if that doesn't do it i'm on to the restraining order. which i might do anyway honestly. god i just want to be done with that part of my life.
i want to grab my man, tell him i love him, and move on up to the next plateu of this happiness i'm experiencing.
i'm terrified of making the wrong move but, if i don't tell him something soon this could all go up in flames anyway.
i don't want to rush but is it even rushing if i'm dying to say it? i feel it, that's not changing, it's real, really real. i don't even need him to say it or feel it at this point i just can't hold it in anymore. i mean duh i want him to love me back but if he didn't, doesn't, or never will it wouldn't make a difference....i love him. that's it. game over man. i surrender!!!
but i'm still scared of losing him.
i don't want to fuck this up.

arf

You Are an American Bulldog

You are a very imposing, powerful creature... but deep down, you're generally good natured. You are incredibly energetic, and you like to blow off steam with sports and horsing around. You are naturally courageous. You would run into a burning building to save someone you loved. You intimidate people without trying to. Some people assume the worst of you when they first meet you.

OMG part 3

i was filmed today.
i will be filmed tomorrow.
and possibly monday.
yay
yay
yay
and the guy that's filming me is so cool it's like a bonus just being able to hang out with him. this is so much fun!!! i hope all goes well tomorrow, i got no practice time in today whatsoever. oh lord. can't wait.

OMG part 2

sooooo MTV guy called me again today.
i have to call tomorrow to confirm when he can film me.
finally my awesomeness is recognized.

niether my bf or my familia seem particularly thrilled but this is a huge opportunity for me if i play my cards right. i'll make it up to them.

quick observation

um, how obsessed am i?
my facebook pic, he's in it
my myspace pic, he's in it
and my blog pic, the comic book representation of he and i....
jeebus woman! get a hold of yourself!!!